The Journey of Survival
by GeekyGenius
Summary: It was a more natural reaction for him then crying, carrying on as per usual. It was his body's subconscious driving him, one single mantra running through his head. 'Survive.' A journey through the life of Kuroba Kaito and how he manages to survive everything thrown at him.


AN: A journey through the life of Kuroba Kaito, and how he views his survival and the importance of his own survival. Also, did you know that spell check on word knows how to spell Attenborough automatically? I thought it was pretty cool. This was written for the Poirot Cafe Forum themed competition. The theme for this one was 'survival'.

Disclaimer: I do not own Magic Kaito/Detective Conan. It kinda started airing before I was even born.

It wasn't as bad as it seemed, despite what people assumed. There were a few facts that were correct, however. The main point being that he was now alone. With his mum travelling, and his dad... his dad having completed his final journey of travel to (hopefully) a better place, he was completely alone. But he was fine with it for the most part. He held himself together well enough, and saw friends and familiar faces at school and on the weekends. He wasn't bored and had plenty to take his mind off unpleasant things. It was a more natural reaction for him then crying, carrying on as per usual. It was his body's subconscious driving him, one single mantra running through his head.

' _Survive.'_

When he was younger, Kaito didn'tquite understand what survival was. It wasn't until one rainy day when he was four that his father explained it to him. They were watching a nature documentary by David Attenborough. While it did have Japanese subtitles, Kaito couldn't read yet, but his father translated what he didn't understand. He wanted Kaito to be able to learn some English while having fun watching his choice of movie. They were in Africa, watching a group of big cats (he couldn't remember which type they were) chase down some gazelles. The gazelles ('The prey' his father had called them) were bolting as fast as they could.

The lions didn't look very scary to Kaito, and at first couldn't work out why the gazelles were running away. His father had explained to him once he saw Kaito's puzzling face that the gazelles were running for their own survival. The cats were feeling hungry, so they decided to play tag with the gazelles, he had continued. Kaito could then see the claws on the cats and their menacing teeth, and decided that even if it was a friendly game it didn't look like fun to be caught. He decided that he would run like the gazelles too. To _survive._

When the fire happened, he was confused and very scared. The hot flames looked like a fiercer version of the grass in the African savannah, the shadows of the people on stage like the panicked gazelles. He stood nailed to his spot, watching the movement of the dancing flames create an illusion of a chase. The shadows of images he didn't entirely believe were real were running around in the flames. It was a race for survival, and he wasn't sure what to do. At least one gazelle always seemed to be captured by the cats in the nature documentaries he had watched. If he had any capacity to think at that time, he would have prayed dearly for his father not to be the one. He had to survive.

At first, he wasn't aware of when he was wearing his poker face. Right after the accident, his instinct kicked in, and it wasn't until he overheard a worried conversation Aoko and her father that he realised his reaction wasn't quite normal. He did grieve more after that, once he learnt that there was a box of pent-up grief and heavy emotion hiding behind a wall. He slowly broke the wall, bricks from random places starting to crumble, his tears releasing only when he was alone. He tore down the wall but in its place weaved a mask. It wasn't healthy to keep his emotions in like that, they said. So he let them out. It didn't mean anyone else needed to see them, so he kept himself behind his safety bubble of a mask. His little release of emotions when alone did help, placing himself in a more stable place, from which he had a better prospect of survival.

There was the literal aspect of living alone that had him slightly worried. He wasn't scared, but it seemed eerie living in a still, empty house. It wasn't a home anymore. He went over to Aoko's often after school, the comfort and noise that comes with family settling his nerves. He had always been a prankster, but he upped the notch. He couldn't stand the silence or the look of dreary faces, so he created his own noise and excitement. He taunted Aoko and pranked the teachers and students, until his reputation proceeded him and the students began to make noise in either anticipation or dread for his next prank. He fed off the wellbeing of others, like a parasite, feeding off their life energy. Except he was different, he gave them something to be happy about, giving them the happiness he couldn't give himself. They already had joy hidden inside, it was easier to bring it out and feed off it then make his own. It wasn't a very easy or simple way of doing things, but at least it worked. It became a natural response to want to make others happy. It was how he survived.

He knew how to cook important things, like cake and a mostly healthy dinner, not that he told anyone. He didn't want to invite anyone to his house, which he might be pressured into doing if people found out he could cook. He didn't want to host a dinner party, or make anyone a birthday cake. No one could come to the house. It was devoid of life, the leftover carcass of an animal preyed on by vulture-like crows. The structure was exactly the same as it had been when they first moved in, but all the pictures were all gone from the walls, hidden away in albums in the ceiling or in his mother's suitcase. The only image remaining a full-length portrait of his father, where he often went and sat at his feet for a good cry. Sitting at his father's feet gave him a sort of comfort, being able to look up to his familiar face. It felt like he was there, a short delusion from his mind that he knew wasn't true, not that he minded. He let himself believe for a small while, when he cried. He let it all out and moved on. It helped him survive.

Being Kaito Kid wasn't easy. Slipping into the role was not as hard as he had assumed however, as he was used to surviving. He just had to put in a little extra effort. And it gave him something more to do, to focus his attention on. Planning extravagant heists, new tricks, and clever riddles kept his mind active. Gave him purpose. His tricks made him laugh, seeing the outrage of the officers. They were harmless tricks, and the first thing that had made himself happy without having to feed off another person's happiness or laughter. He enjoyed being Kaito Kid. It gave him a real reason to survive.

Going against Hakuba was annoying. He was intolerable and completely stuck up. Kaito didn't like his attitude, especially as nothing could seem to make the Brit smile or laugh. Nothing except for whenever Kaito seemed to be in some horribly embarrassing situation, but that didn't count. He would not let such a stubborn buzz-kill best him. In order to beat the Hakuba, he needed to try harder to survive, so he did. He strived to keep ahead, taunting the annoying detective as he leaped just out of his reach each time. He couldn't afford to breakdown or make a mistake. He couldn't let the pom win. He needed to survive.

The final push for his survival came from his other rival. Conan Edogawa amused him. He also was terrified of the little monster with his insane kicking power, so was more cautious when he joked with him than Hakuba. He knew about Conan and what he had done. He helped him many times, and the little squirt had actually returned the favour a few times as well. He began to trust his favourite detective, a feeling he was certain was mutual. They needed each other. Conan always impressed him with his strength of character and not entirely justified belief in the ability for things to get better. Against odds that not many people would go against he stood, and that made Kaito stand taller also. Seeing his shrunken detective's own impressive charge against his many trials and tribulations, Kaito realised something. He didn't just need to survive. He wanted to, desperately.

Through everything he had gone through, from the moment his subconscious decided that he should survive, Kaito had been going on blindly, not questioning as to why. Little by little, he discovered more strength to continue to survive, reasons to keep him going. And finally, he had a controlling desire to survive, to win. It took over his entire being, a new passion and assurance in his goals that had been missing for many years. He tried ever so hard to make it all worth it, pushing the boundaries of what he could do. After all of that, Kuroba Kaito wasn't just surviving. He was _living._


End file.
